things have been really rough lately. i decided to resign from my job, so i gave my 30 day notice last friday. i decided to quit before i even had another job lined up, which probably isn't a good idea. i've applied to a lot of jobs already but in all honesty, im desperately scared that i won't be able to find another place to work that will be any better. i also found out that a guy i dated back in 2011 has stage 4 colon cancer and declining mental health, both of which he is refusing treatment for. he reached out to me because he thinks he's going to die soon and he wanted me to know that i'm "a very special person".
his messages are somewhat nonsensical but those bits of what he said were clear. it's been years since i've seen him and while i knew him to smoke pot, i think he started doing harder drugs from what i could piece together. it's just really upsetting to hear from him after all these years only to find out he is dying and scared, trying to tie up loose ends. it breaks my heart, honestly, and i have no idea what to say to him. i want to say that things will be okay and that he shouldn't worry, but i don't know that. i'm not the least bit religious, so i can't find comfort in god or send him my prayers. i know he hasn't passed away yet, but i'm mourning him nonetheless.. mourning the kid i remember him as, fucking around doing stupid shit and making me laugh constantly. now when i think of him it makes me cry.
still feeling stressed and depressed! i really don't know what to do to get out of this funk. i'm just tired all the time, my body aches, and i keep getting headaches too. my birthday is this saturday and i always hate my birthday. something about being reminded of my aging just isn't my cup of tea. i get weirdly existential. my friends are going to bake me something and it will be our first "movie night" of the summer, so that will be nice at least. i just feel like shit all the time and sometimes im able to be distracted from that but never for very long. i just have no motivation to do anything, which makes it really difficukt to figure out how to feel better. i wish i would have enjoyed being a kid more instead of wanting to be an adult, because being an adult sucks shit.
this has just been an awful week for me but it's almost over. i'm just waiting for the workday to end. oh, i didn't sh btw. go me! i'm looking forward to this weekend, i'm going to try to relax as much as i can. plus i will be going to an amusement park with my friends on sunday, which is always fun. still feeling pretty depressed in general. a little less anxious. my roommate/best friend is having a birthday party tonight and i really hope i have the energy to be social and such. anyway, i just wanted to write a quick entry because the last one was.. oof. i'm going to try to start off next week on a good note and to stay positive as much as possible.
today has been awful. i have been having a depressive episode for over a week now and today i woke up feeling anxious. just, my chest feels tight and my hands have been shaking nonstop. at first i didn't know what it was about, but i think it's work. i know i said that work has been going alright, but it really isn't. they give me something new to do every few months and at this point i am at full capacity.. i'm overwhelmed, really. and i think all of that stress and pressure is building up inside me and manifesting itself in the worst ways possible. i want to be proactive and work on the things that are stressing me out, but i feel so anxious that i can barely do anything. i've skipped days of work because i was so depressed. and now my boss is on my ass about taking days off without informing him ahead of time, as if i can somehow look into a magic ball and see when my "bad days" will be. i feel like i could puke and i hate that i have such strong psychosomatic responses. what's even more fucking frustrating is that i know it's all psychosomatic, but that doesnt stop me from feeling it. i even take medication and it feels like it's doing nothing at this point. feeling numb and suppressing intrusive thoughts and urges to sh. wish me luck pushing through this
having a pretty good day! today i made a button for my website since it was suggested to me. this morning i went to a local coffee place and got a blueberry latte - i was skeptical at first about mixing fruit and espresso but it turned out to be really good! (pictured is some graffiti in my neighborhood near the coffee shop) i also went to goodwill and bought some new shorts because none of my old shorts fit anymore. :p i also hung out with my friends again today and had a lot of fun. i ended up winning a game of mario party (as yoshi!), which is kinda rare for me. i feel blessed to have such good friends ♡
this week has been okay.. nothing too major to complain about. the weather is starting to get nicer and work has been going decently well, aside from being exhausting. i'm excited because tonight i get to play my first in person session of dungeons & dragons with my friends - i actually haven't met the DM before, so it should be fun.
(basically a diary)
this might get dark sometimes, so i want to give a general *trigger warning*